Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
