we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
