lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
