I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Are we still banned from the library?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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