I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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