just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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