I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
