You smell like stripper and shame
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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