There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
