i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
