My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
