Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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