You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
