don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
