Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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