if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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