I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
