I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
