Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
