After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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