Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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