I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize