I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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