you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
