And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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