Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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