Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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