I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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