i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
When did angry sex become our thing?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
