You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
