I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
