I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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