mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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