you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I accidentally burped into my bong.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
