If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
