her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It's just like the Real World with babies
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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