I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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