He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
