I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
