1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
