the condom got lost in my hair
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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