Your dad touched me again.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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