So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
