she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
