For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
