I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize