I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
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