4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
