just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
