do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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