Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
