Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
