In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
