It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
