I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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