I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
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