A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So many bounce houses so little time
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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