Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
