im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
