she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
