Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
