So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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