we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
