She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
