Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
