piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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