Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
How's work?
Spinning.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize