There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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