blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
