i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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