It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
