drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
