he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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