Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
