even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
