she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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