When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
